My life is spiralling out of control. I’m in all sorts of debt, I have no motivation in my job so I’m not getting the work done and now I’m 2 months behind. I’m worried I’m gonna get sacked which would mean I’d end up in even more debt and on top of it all I’m terrified that my partner is going to get fed up of all my failings and leave.
Today the internet has been cut off. I’m late paying the bill. If I don’t pay my council tax by tomorrow it will go to court. I get paid on Thursday but the amount of money owed out means I will be left with nothing for the month. Which obviously means more debt. I just don’t know how to get it under control.
The thing is I hide from my problems. Instead of facing up to things and finding a solution I bury my head in the sand and hope that it all just goes away. But I can’t keep living like this. Yesterday I had a panic attack while washing the pots. I don’t think I was actively thinking about my problems. There was just so much to do and someone had poured some grease or oil into the sink, over all the dirty pots, so everything was slimy and greasy and I started to get frustrated.
When I get frustrated at things I tend to get upset. I had a little sniffle or two but tried to just carry on through it. Within a couple of minutes I was hunched up on the floor, crying my eyes out, unable to breathe. I must have been like that for five minutes or so before my housemate came to check on me. For some reason, seeing another human being seemed to help me calm down but the feelings didn’t go away, they were just hidden. Throughout the evening I was tearful, crying over the tiniest things, or nothing at all. This morning I feel like the floodgates are bulging and any minute now I’m gonna have another panic attack. Driving to work I summed up the pros and cons of crashing my car and ending it all even though I know I’d never try. Now I’m at work I feel sick to my stomach, and very, very cold. Oh and the constant worry that I put myself through 24/7 has given me an upset stomach. And it’s “that time of the month” (which may be why my emotions are getting the better of me and not staying locked away in their little box).
I thought maybe writing it all down and getting it out of my head would be helpful but it just isn’t at all. But then I guess that’s because I have no answers. Just problems on top of problems. Every area of my life feel like its on the verge of collapse and I don’t know what to do.